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What's Wrong with the Kid?




 

(by Parke Cumming)

 

Recently a well-known psychiatrist stated that modern psychiatry has made us change our opinions of what must be regarded as normal behaviour.

He may be absolutely right, for all I know. I am not going to argue with him anyhow. I should like, however, to point out that the best way to get an idea of normal behaviour (at least so far as children are concerned*) is to get married and raise** a few. As I look back on my bachelor days, I'm surprised at the wrong views I held on the matter.

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* to figure smth out for oneself– представить что-л.

 

Well, the best way to make myself clear, Ithink, is to take a few examples.

Example 1. A young boy in his early teens*** works for his neighbour, cleaning out the cellar, fetching wood, mowing the lawn and running errands in order to earn the money for a new tennis racket. Finally he gets the hard-earned money and buys a tennis racket.

Result:

Abnormal behaviour (i.e. the behaviour expected by an unmarried person or inexperienced parent): the boy practices regularly, and in some time becomes accomplished tennis player.

Normal behaviour, two days after buying the tennis racket, he removes all the strings and converts them into a line for a "Telephone" system. A short time later, the frame of the racket is converted into a giant slingshot.****

Example 2. A small girl – let us say aged three – is presented with a new pail and shovel for her sand box.

Abnormal behaviour, the child takes the toys to the sand box and plays with them day after day.

Normal behaviour, the child plays with the toys for ten minutes after which she throws them into a dustbin. She then makes several trips to the house and starts making sand pies with the following tools: one silver spoon, her father's best crystal cocktail shaker, her mother's favourite roasting pan.

Example 3. A five-year-old child shows interest in the neighbour's police dog, an animal the size of a mountain lion and with much sharper teeth. His parents seeing his interest in dogs, buy him the cutest little two-month-old spaniel puppy you ever saw.

Abnormal behaviour, the child is crazy about the new pet.

Normal behaviour, the child is crazy with terror as seeing the puppy and attempts to run next door to the police dog for protection.

Example 4. Six year-old Effie raises bell***** when her mother doesn't invite Susie Connors to her birthday party, and continues to do so until the mother finally yields.

Abnormal behaviour. Effie greets Susie affectionately when she appears.

Normal behaviour. Effie attacks Susie furiously, scratches her face and pulls her hair until Susie's mother caring away the screaming child.

Example 5. By means of hard work and considerable skill a 10-year-old boy succeeds in making an excellent pair of skis, but then he has to wait three weeks until there is snow.

Abnormal behaviour, the boy is crazy with joy, rushes outdoors and tries his skis.

Normal behaviour, the boy stays the entire day at home teasing the cat and driving mother mad.

I believe these five examples could be sufficient to enable practically anybody to foretell what a child will do under certain circumstances.

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** to raise smb = to bring smb up

*** aged thirteen or fourteen (teens–the year of one's age from 13 to 19), teenager – a boy or a girl in one's teens

**** a slingshot – рогатка

***** to raise bell (Am. colloq.) – поднять скандал

Culture

 

(by Bob Consedine)

 

One of our kids gave a blood-curdling scream in the middle of the night. Dear Mother rushed into the child's room and found him sitting up in bed.

"Can't sleep," said the young man. "It's my fairy tales."

This seemed somewhat strange to me. I thought of Mary and her Litttle Lamb* and Hickory Dickory Doc**, or whatever that rat's name was, and the other gentle tales of my early youth.

The next day, however, I got down to reading some of my little boy's fairy tales. I must have missed them as a kid. Either that or a merciful forgetfulness wafted over me. Because, ever since I started reading our kid's books, I've been sleeping with the lights on and the bedroom door locked.

Goodness Gracious!*** What frightening stuff when read in retrospect!

Let's take "Hansel and Gretel" by the Grim brothers, for instance. It opens with a charming little scene between the father and mother of the kids. They are starving during famine.

"What's to become of us?" the father asks. "How are wetofeed our poor children when we have nothing for ourselves?"

"I'll tell you what, husband," answers the fond mother. "Tomorrow morning we shall take the children out quite early into the thickest part of the forest. We shall light a fire and give each of them a piece of bread. Then we shall go to our work and leave them alone. They won't be able to find their way back."

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* "Little Lamb"– a sentimental nursery rhyme

** Hickory Dickory Doc – начало детского стиха

*** Goodness Gracious! – Господи, помилуй!

 

 

For some reason or other the father thinks that's an unkind thing to do, so he says, "Wild animals would soon tear them to pieces."

In the face of this weakness* the wife grows furious and snarls. "What a fool you are! Then we must all four die of hunger. You may as well plane the boards for our coffins at once."

And so they take the kids off and lose them.

Then there is that charming little tale called "The. Wolf and the Seven Kids" in a book named "The Bedtime Nursery Book."

There's an old goat, and she's got seven little kids. She goes out to get home food for her kids and says: "Look out for that bad old wolf. If you let him inside, he will eat you up – hair, skin, and all. Sometimes he disguises himself**, but you will know him by his hoarse voice and big black paws."

The wolf shows up in various disguises, which the kids see through but finally he's too smart for them and they let him in... The frightened little kids tried to hide. But the wolf found them all, except the youngest, who had hidden in the clockcase. One after another he swallows the six little kids.

Later the old lady comes home, sees the deserted house and wanders outside in her grief. There she finds a wolf snoring under a tree and "noticed that something was moving and struggling inside his body."

"She sent the youngest kid back to the house to get her scissors and a needle and thread. Then she cut open the wolfs stomach..."

Let us dismiss the utter terror contained in Little Red Riding Hood,*** because some passing woodcutters heard her scream and she was about to be consumed for her tender faith in human nature.**** The trouble is, my kid doesn't know any woodcutters. He's convinced, too, that none want to know him, or rescue him from the ominous things that take shape in his room after the twilight session with Beddy-Bye Tales.*****

Now you probably remember Hans Christian Andersen's tale "The Little Match Girl" – just the thing to read to a child who has been warned through most of his life never, never to play with matches.

This tale opens with a little girl, limping barefooted through a New Year's blizzard. She has lost her slippers and as a result her feet are red and blue. The kid can't go home because she hasn't sold her matches yet, and that means her old man will beat her black and blue.

So she begins lighting her matches and sees one vision after another. Finally she lights the whole box and sees her grandmother, who passed away in 1709.

"In the cold morning light the poor little girl sat there with rosy cheeks and a smile on her face – dead," the story reads. "Frozen to death on the last night of the year. New Year's day broke on the little body still sitting with the ends of the burnt -out matches in her hand."

I'm going to make my kid read something light and frivolous, like Poo, or "Arsenic and Old Lace."

In the meantime, if the kid lets loose another shriek in the middle of some moonless night, he's better move out. For Dear Father will be under the covers with him.

Assignments:

1. Formulate the author's views on fairy tales.

2. Tell a fairy tale thatyou like best.

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* in the face of this weakness – видя его слабость

** to disguise oneself - маскироваться

*** Little Red Riding Hood – Красная Шапочка

**** she was about to be consumed for her tender faith – ее чуть не съел волк за ее доверчивость

***** Beddy-Bye Tales = bedside fairy tales

Adolescence*

 

(by Bertrand Rassel from "Autobiography")

 

My childhood was, on the whole, happy and straightforward, and I felt affection for most of the grown-ups with whom I was brought in contact. I remember a very definite change when I reached what in modern child psychology is called "the latency period."** At this stage I began to enjoy using slang, pretending to have no feelings, and being generally "manly." I began to despise my people, chiefly because of their extreme horror of slang and their absurd notion that it was dangerous to climb trees. So many things were forbidden me that I acquired the habit of deceit, in which I persisted up to the age of twenty one. It became second

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* the time between childhood and manhood (from 13 to 21), adolescent = "teenager"

** The author refers to his early teens, the period between childhood and adolescence (latent– скрытый, невидимый).

 

nature to me to think that whatever 1 was doing had betterbekept to myself, and I have never quite overcome the impulse to concealment which was thus generated. I still have an impulse to hide what I am reading when anybody comes into the room, and to hold my tongue as to where I have been and what I have done. It is only by a certain effort of will* that I can overcome the impulse of concealment which was thus generated by the years during which I had to find my way among a set of foolish prohibitions.**

The years of adolescence were to me very lonely and very unhappy. Both in the life of the emotions and in the life of intellect, I was obliged to preserve an impenetrable secrecy towards my people.

Assignments:

1. Say whata boy of his early teens is like, what problems he often has.

2. Discuss what is usually referred to as a "problem child,"

3. Tell the class about your own childhood.

Clean Up Your Room

 

(by Art Buchwald)

 

You don't really feel the generation gap in this country until a son or daughter comes home from college for Christmas. Then it strikes you how out of it you really are.***

This dialogue is probably taking place all over America this week.

"Nancy, you've been home from school for three days now. Why don't you clean up your room?"

"We don't have to clean up our room at college, mother."

"That's very nice, and I'm happy you're going to such a freewheeling institution.**** But while you are in the house, your father and I would like you to clean up your room."

"What difference does it make? It's my room."

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* it is only by a certain effort of will – это вошло в привычку

** I had to find my way among a set of foolish prohibitions – мне пришлось искать выход из глупых запретов

*** Then it strikes you how out of it you really are. – Вы внезапно понимаете, насколько мало вы знаете свою собственную дочь.

**** a free-wheeling institution – заведение без всяких правил, где вы можете делать все, что хотите

 

"I know, dear, and it really doesn't mean that much to me. But your father has a great fear of the plague.* He said this morning if it's going to start anywhere in this country, it's going to start in your room."

"Mother, you people aren't interested in anything that's relevant. Do you realize how the major corporations are polluting our environment?"

"Your father and I are very worried about it. But right now we're more concerned with the pollution in your bedroom. You haven't made your bed since you came home."

"I never make it up at the dorm**

"Of course you don't, and I'm sure the time you save goes toward your education. But we still have these old fashioned ideas about making beds in the morning and we can't shake them. Since you're home for such a short time, why can't you do it to humour us?"

"For heaven's sake, mother, I'm grown-up now. Why do you have to treat me like a child?"

"We're not treating you like a child. But it's very hard for us to realize you're an adult when you throw all your clothes on the floor."

"I haven't thrown all my clotheson the floor. Thoseare just the clothes I wore yesterday."

"Forgive me. I exaggerated. Well,how about the dirty dishes and empty soft-drink cans*** on your desk? Are you collecting them for a science protect?"****

"Mother, you don't understand us. You people were brought up to have clean rooms. But our generation doesn't care about things like that. It's what you have in your head that counts."*****

"No one respects education more than your father and I do, particularly at the prices they're charging.****** But we can't see how living in squalor can improve your mind."

"That's because of your priorities. You should rather have me make up my bed and pick up my clothes than become a free spirit who thinks for myself."

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* your father has a great fear of the plague – папа страшно боится чумы

** dorm = dormitory– здание, где живут учащиеся колледжа

*** soft-drink cans – банки от безалкогольных напитков

**** for a science protect = for scientific research

***** It's what you have in your head that counts. – Принимаетсявовнимание то, что в вашей голове.

****** particularly at the prices they're charging – особенно если учесть плату, которую они берут

 

"We are not trying to stifle your free spirit. It's just that Our Blue Cross has run out, and we have no protection* in case anybody catches typhoid."

"All right I'll clean up my room if it means that much to you. But I want you to know you've ruined my vacation."

"It was a calculated risk I had to take. Oh, by the way – I know this is a terrible thing to ask of you, but would you mind help me wash the dinner dishes?"

"Wash dishes? Nobody washes dishes at school."

"Your father and I were afraid of that."

Assignments:

1. Speak of the generation gap.

2. What do you think is the ideal approach to the younger generation? (Discuss this problem in class.)

From "The Sandcastle"**

 

(by Iris Murdoch)

 

I. It was fine clear evening. Мог closed the door of the Sixth Form room and escaped down the corridor with long strides. He had just been giving a lesson to the history specialists of the Classical Sixth.*** Donald, who was in the Science Sixth,**** had of course not been present. It was now two years since, to Mor's relief, his son had ceased to be his pupil. Мог taught history, and occasionally Latin, at St Bride's*****. He enjoyed teaching, and knew that he did it well. His authority and prestige in the school stood high, higher, since Demoyte's departure, than that of any other matter. Мог was well aware of this too, and it consoled him more than a little for failures in other departments of his life.

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* Говоря это, мама имеет в виду, что они больше не могут платить за услуги Голубого креста, а значит, не смогут получить бесплатного лечения в больнице.

** «Замок на песке» – роман Айрис Мердок

*** The Sixth Class is a period of preparation for A Level exams taken at the age of 18 either in humanities or in science (the choice of subjects is optional).

**** The Classical Sixth is a class with a bias in humanities, the Science Sixth– in science.

***** St Bride's – название школы

 

Now, as he emerged through the glass doors of Main School* into warm sunshine, a sense of satisfaction filled him, which was partly a feeling of work well done and partly the anticipation of a pleasant evening. This evening there would be the strong spicy talk of Demoyte. If he hurried, Мог thought, he would be able to have one or two glasses of sherry with Demoyte.

Demoyte lived at a distance of three miles from the school. Demoyte was a scholar. For his scholarship Мог, whose talents wore speculative rather than scholarly, admired him without envy; and for his tough honest obstinate personality and his savage tongue Мог rather loved him. His long period as Headmaster of St Bride's had been punctuated by violent quarrels** with members of the staff, and was still referred to as "the reign of terror."

Demoyte had not been easy to live with and he had not been easy to get rid of. Ever since Мог had come to the school, some ten years ago, he bad been Demoyte's lieutenant*** and right-hand man.

What Demoyte cared about was proficiency in work. As for morality, and such things, Demoyte took the view that if a boy could look after his Latin prose his character would look after itself.****

Very different was the view taken by the Demoyte's successor, the Reverend Giles Everard. The training of character was what nearest to Everard's heart and performance in Latin prose he regarded a secondary matter.

II. The chief buildings of St Bride's were grouped unevenly around large square of asphalt which was called the playground. Although the one thing that was strictly forbidden therein was playing. The building consisted of four tall red-brick blocks: Main School, which contained the hall, and most of the senior classrooms, and which was surrounded by the neo-Gothic tower; Library which continued the library and more classrooms, and which was built close against Main School, jutting at right angles from it; School House, opposite to Library, where the scholars ate and slept; and "Phys and Gym"* opposite the Main School, which contained the gymnasium, some laboratories, the administrative offices, and two flats for resident masters.** The St Bride's estate was extensive, it lay along the slops of a hill. There was a thick wood of oak and birch, cut by many winding paths, deep and soft with old leaves, the paradise of the younger boys. On the fringe of this wood, within sight of the library, stood the Chapel. Beyond this, hidden among the trees, were the three houses to which the boys other than the scholars*** belonged, where they lived and took their meals and, if they were senior boys, had their studies. Beyond the wood lay the squash**** courts and the swimming pool – and upon the other side, were the music rooms and the studio.

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* Main School – (зд.) the building which contained the gymnasium, some laboratories, the administrative offices, and two flats of resident masters.

** had been punctuated by violent quarrels – был отмечен бурными ссорами

*** lieutenant– (зд.) заместитель

Обыгрывается английская пословица: "Take care of the репсе and the pounds will take care of themselves".

 

III. What Мог did see, at the corner of the playground near the far end of the Library, was his son Donald.

"Hello, Don," says Мог, "how goes it?"

Donald looked at him, and looked away at once. He was tall enough now to look Мог in the eyes. His resemblance of his father was considerable. He had Mor's crisp dark hair, his crooked nose and lop-sided smile. His eyes were darker though, and more suspicious. His face was soft, however, still with the indeterminacy of boyhood. His mouth was shapeless and pouting, not firmly set.

Donald was long in growing up – too long, Мог felt with some sadness. He could not but grieve over his son's strange lack of maturity. At an age when he himself had been devouring books of every kind in an insatiable hunger for knowledge, Donald appeared to have no intellectual interests at all. He worked at his chemistry in a desultory fashion,*****sufficiently to keep himself out of positive disgrace; but apart from this Donald seemed to do, as far as Мог could see, nothing whatever. He spent a lot of time hanging about, talking to Carde and others, or even, what seemed to Мог odder still, alone. This mode of existence was to Мог extremely mysterious. Donald's reading, such as it was, seemed to consist mainly of "Three Men in a Boat," which he read over and over again, always laughing immoderately, and various books on climbing which he kept carefully concealed from his mother. During the holidays he was a tireless cinemagoer. As Мог looked at him now, he felt a deep sadness that he was not able to express his love for his son, and that it could even be that Donald did not know at all that it existed.

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* Phys – a physics room, a room used for lessons in natural science, Gym– gymnasium, a hall used for gymnastics.

** a resident master– преподаватель, живущий при школе

*** a scholar– a holder of a scholarship

**** the squash – игра, включающая в себя элементы тенниса и гандбола

***** in a desultory fashion – бессистемно, урывками

 

Assignments:

1. Read passage I and

a) say what you have learnt about the teachers of St Bride's Mr Мог, Mr Demoyte and Mr Everard;

b) describe St Bride's School;

c) give a character sketch of Donald and say why his father was displeased with him.

2. Discuss in class the new facts you learnt about the educational system in England.

From "Oxford Life"

 

(by Dacre Balsden)

Lectures Start on Monday

 

Lectures start on the first Monday of term. Lecturers are sometimes in fashion; lectures as such are never in fashion.

Why take notes when you couldas well read it all in a book? The question is unanswerable.

In some subjects the lecture-list is itself carefully organized by the Faculty, so that all the necessary lectures are given and given in the terms in which undergraduates need them. In other faculties the freedom of the lecturer is not so rigidly curtailed.* Let a lecturer lecture on whatever subject he chosen. If he hopes for an audience, he will choose a subject useful to undergraduates, and he will lecture on it twice a week. If he does not care about the size of his audience and prefers to lecture on some small field of learning on which he is researching or writing a learned paper, he will lecture one hour a week. "Thursday at 11, Mr Smooth, 'Plutarch, On the Virtue of Women.' "**

Dons*** in general hate lectures as much as undergraduates. That is why they lecture so badly. Nobody has ever taught them how to lecture well. There is a Delegacy**** in Oxford for the training of schoolmasters; there is no delegacy for the training of dons.

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* to be rigidly curtailed – быть строго ограниченным

** Плутарх «О женской добродетели»

*** a don – преподаватель

**** Delegacy of Training – Управлениепо подготовке школьных Учителей

 

On the first Monday the lecturer has his largest audience for the term. Where there are a hundred young men and women today, there will, in eight weeks times, be no more than five or six. Where there is an audience of two today, there will perhaps be one next week and, after that, no audience at all.

A professor's lecture is sometimes like the "pas scul" of a prima ballerina. He appears; he lectures; he retires. And then after an interval, he lectures again. But the College tutor's public lecture is an interruption in a week otherwise devoted to teaching pupils in his rooms, listening to their essays and talking about them. These are "private hours" – "tutes," as the undergraduates call them, or tutorials. Sometimes a pupil comes along, sometimes in a pair, sometimes with two or three others.

Young tutors find the hour too long, old tutors find it too short. Undergraduates find it very long indeed and if there is no clock in the room, they find it even longer. When you reach a tutor's age, it is less easy to listen than to talk, and observant undergraduates quickly realize that their tutors criticize in detail the final sentences of their essays but give little evidence of having observed the rest*. There is a splendid story of the great Ingram Bywater**.

"Ah," he said, in greeting, to his pupil, "what is the subject of you essay? Expediency? Splendid. Then will you read what you have written?"

At the end, he roused himself. He said, "For the next week, will you write an essay on– er – Expediency? That is all."

Had he slept through the whole of the essay? Or was he uttering the most devastating criticism?*** The pupils never knew.

II. End of Term Collections****

Term is ending. On Friday and on Saturday the undergraduates are themselves collected. "End of Term Collections" is the

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* but give little evidence of having observed the rest – но почти не чувствуется, что они прочли все остальное

** Ingram Bywater– оксфордский ученый, специалист по средне-и новогреческому языкам

*** Or was he uttering the most devastating criticism? – Илион полностью раскритиковал его?

**** Term Collections – «семестровые сборы», принятое в Оксфордском университете шутливое название различного рода официальных и неофициальных процедур, связанных с окончанием учебного семестра

 

official title of the ceremony. "Handshaking" it is informally called or, more commonly, "Don Rag."*

The undergraduates receive verbally an end-of-term report. In some colleges the ceremony is private. The undergraduate is along with the Head of his college and the Head of the College has in his hands a written report from the man's tutor. And there whatever is said, is said.**

In many colleges it is a less intimate and more frightening ceremony. The Head of the College sits in the hall at the High Table, flanked by Moral Tutors.*** They are, in the eyes of the young, a body of old, old men – malicious, malevolent old sadists, laughing proudly at their own jokes, jokes always at some poor undergraduate's expense.

One by one the young men are summoned.

"MrSmith ."

He walks the long way up the Hall, for the young men awaiting their summons have chosen their seats at the other end of the Hall, as far away from the High Table as they can get. He is conscious that his shoes squeak, or sound very loud on the stone floor. The inquisitors are massed on the other side of the table. On his side there is a single chair.

"Sit down, Mr Smith."

"Mr Smith, Master, has been coming to me this term. He has been working very well, as he always does. He needs, of course, to do a lot of reading in vacation."

"That is a good report, Mr Smith. Yes, pay attention to your tutor's advice – and give my very kind regards to your father. He is well, I think." (Mr Smith cannot tell the Master that he has not got a father. It happens term after term at Collections, the only time when Mr Smith and the Master are brought face to face. It is some other Smith, of course, with whom the Master regularly confuses him, a Smith who went down some terms ago.)

At about half past six in the evening, Larry emerges from Hall. He had not been certain what to expect, and he had faced the ordeal with some anxiety.

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* Rag – розыгрыш, который обычно устраивают студенты старших курсов новичкам (в Оксфорде и Кембридже носит безобидный характер).

** And there whatever is said, is said. – И что уж там говорится, то и говорится.

*** Moral Tutor – куратор, который отвечает за поведение студентов, он же дает характеристику студентам, желающим поступить на Работу в период каникул

 

His tutor said, "Mr Minthauser is still in the process of setting down, Master. He isn't quite used to our methods yet. He is beginning to learn that we don't regard length in an essay as any particular virtue – indeed that we rather mistrust people who can't express themselves briefly. But of course it's all new to him and he is tackling it in quite the right spirit."*

And the master has said, "How wouldyou report on yourself, Mr Minthauser?"

"I guess I'll make out in the end, but somebody's going to have to do some work on me first."

"Good," the master says.

 

III. Oxford Accent

Last October freshmen have gone down.** When they return in October, they will be second year men and women. Academically, they will be approaching middle age. How much of a stamp Oxford put on them already?*** Have they started to acquire an Oxford accent?

The Oxford accent exists, but it defies definition.**** It is not, as the French think, the kind of English which is spoken within a twenty mile radius of the city. Indeed, it is not an accent at all, but a manner of speaking. In particular it is a manner of pausing in your speech, of pausing not at the end of sentences, where you might be interrupted, but in the middle of sentences. Nobody, it is to be hoped, will be so rude to interrupt you when you are in the middle of a sentence. So pause there, to decide what your next sentence is going to be. Then, having decided, move quickly forward to it without a moment's pause at the full stop. Yes, jumping your full stops***** – that is the Oxford accent. Do it well, and you will be able to talk forever. Nobody will have the chance of breaking in and stealing the conversation from you.******

The Oxford accent, so called, is also a matter of redefining the other person's statement on your own terms.******* Wait for him to say whatever he has to say. Then start yourself: "What you really mean is..." Nothing could be ruder.

And for Americans in general it is a matter of employing, all unconsciously, a new vocabulary, of doing by instinct what on your arrival, you were shocked to hear other Americans doing.

Assignments:

1. Read extract number I and speak on:

a) the way the author presents the work of the lecturers in Oxford;

b) the tutorial system of education in British Universities.

2. Say what the "Term Collections" procedure is organized for.

3. Discuss the problem of an Oxford accent with your groupmates.

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* and he is tackling it in quite the right spirit – и он делает это верно

** to go down – уйти из института

*** to put a stamp on smb – наложить на кого-л. отпечаток

**** to defy definition – не иметь определения

***** jumping your full stops – пропуски точек

****** Nobody will have the chance of breaking in and stealing the conversation from you. – Никто не сможет прервать вас или перехватить у вас инициативу в разговоре.

******* is also a matter of redefining the other person's statement on your own terms это также истолкование чьего-то утверждения по-своему

A Reporter's Account

 

(by Daniel 'Lang)

 

Susan Cook Russo was twenty-one when she came East to fill her first teaching job. Just graduated from Michigan State College magna cum laude,* she was eager to embark on a career of teaching art to high-school students. The time was late August of 1969 and the place Rochester, New York, for which Mrs Russo and her husband, John, who was also a teacher, had chosen to leave to Midwest. The two, who had been married only a few months, were from East Lansing, Michigan, where they had been classmates in high school and college. John Russo had a job awaiting him in the science department of a public high school** in Rochester. The post that Mrs Russo had found was at the James E. Sperry High School, in Henrietta, a fast-growing middle-class suburb five miles from Rochester. The principal there, Donald A. Loughlin, had seen Mrs Russo in May, shortly before her commencement, and had given her a careful hearing.*** It had gone well. Mrs Russo had formidable credentials to offer,**** among them her outstanding academic record and glowing letters of reference.***** Her mother was a professor of art education. Besides these assets, Mrs Russo had worked her way through college,* as a waitress, a tutor, and a librarian and she had won several scholarships. Recalling the interview nearly three years later, when I talked to him, Lough-lin told me, "She made an excellent impression." He said it with stern reluctance, for by the spring of 1970, after Mrs Russo had been on his staff for eight months, Loughlin and she wished that they had never met. By then, like other Americans, they had discovered that they had irreconceilable conceptions of patriotism, the principal being adamant that the school pay daily homage to the flag, the new teacher rejecting the Pledge of Allegiance** as a sham, her opposition based on our war in Indo-China and on wide-spread poverty at home. _____________________

 

* magna cum laude (Lat.) – с отличием

** a public high school – бесплатная школа, подведомственная правительственным властям, включающая 9–12 или 10–12 годы обучения

*** had given her a careful hearing – обстоятельно проверил ее

**** Mrs Russo had formidable credentials to offer– у нее были достаточные полномочия

***** outstanding academic record and glowing letters of reference – очень хорошие знания и прекрасные рекомендации

 

By the spring of 1970 the differences between the principal and the new instructor were hardly a private quarrel. There were press reports about the disagreement. The community's taxpayers spoke up, most of them in favour of the school principal.*** By the time Mrs Russo's first year as a teacher was at an end, she had been fired. Mrs Russo's reaction was quick. She appealed to the courts. The first decision by a Judge went against Mrs Russo. She didn't stop at that, but she made no progress as a teacher and her future was an impenetrable fog. John Russo told me, "We came East for new experiences, but not for the one that has befalled Susan. It's getting to be like a nightmare from which there is not waking up!"

Assignments:

1. Tell the class what you know about the types of schools in the USA.

2. Give your opinion of Susan Russo.

3. Say a few words about an English or American book in which school life is described.

_______________________

 

* Mrs Russo had worked her way through college – учась в колледже,

миссис Руссо работала

** Pledge of Allegiance – торжественная клятва быть верным и преданным Соединенным Штатам (процедура, которой придерживаются все школы Нью-Йорка с начала нашего века). Клятва начинается следующими словами: "I pledge allegiance to my flag, and to the country for which it stands, one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."

*** The community's taxpayers spoke up, most of them in favour of the school principal. – Выступили налогоплательщики, большинство из которых стояло на стороне директора школы.

 

 

Alice In Wonderland

 

(by L. Carroll)

 

"When we were little," the Mock Turtle went on at last, more calmly, though still sobbing a little now and then, "we went to school in the sea. The master was an old Turtle – we used to call him Tortoise –"

"Why did you call him Tortoise, if he was not one?" Alice asked,

"We called him Tortoise because he taught us," said the Mock Turtle angrily, "really you are very dull."

"You ought to be ashamed of yourself for asking such a sim-; pie question," added the Gryphon, and they both sat silent and looked at poor Alice, who felt ready to sink into the earth. At last the Gryphon said to the Mock Turtle, "Drive on, old fellow! Don't be all day about it!" and he went on in these words:

"Yes, we went to school in the sea, though you mayn't believe it."

"I never said I didn't!" interrupted Alice.

"You did," said the Mock Turtle.

"Hold your tongue!" added the Gryphon, before Alice could speak again. The Mock Turtle went on.

"We had the best of educations – in fact, we went to school every day."

"I've been to a day school too," said Alice, "you needn't to be so proud as all that."

"With extras?" asked the Mock Turtle a little anxiously., "Yes," said Alice, "we learned French andmusic ."

"And washing?" said the Mock Turtle.

"Certainly not!" said Alice indignantly.

"Ah! then yours wasn't a really good school," said the Mock Turtle in a tone of great relief. "Now at ours they had at the end of the bill French, music, and washing– extra."

"You couldn't have wanted it much," said Alice, "livingatthe bottom of the sea."

"1 couldn't afford to learn it," said the Mock Turtle with a sigh. "I only took the regular course."

"What was that?" inquired Alice.

"Reading and writing, of course, to begin with," the Mock Turtle replied, "and then the different branches of Arithmetic– Ambition, Distraction, Uglification and Derision."

"I never heard of Uglification!" Alice ventured to say. "What is it?" The Gryphon lifted up both its paws in surprise. "Never heard of uglifying!" it exclaimed. "You know what to beautify is, I suppose. Don't you?"

"Yes," said Alice, doubtfully: "it means– to-make-anything prettier."

"Well then," the Gryphon went on, "if you don't know what to uglify is, you are a simpleton."

Alice didn't feel encouraged to ask any more questions about it, so she turned to the Mock Turtle, and said, "What else had you to learn?"

"Well, there was Mystery," the Mock Turtle replied, counting off the subjects on his flappers – "Mystery, ancient and modern, with Seography; then Drawling – the Drawling-master was an old conger-eel, that used to come once a week; he taught us Drawling, Stretching, and Fainting in Coils."

"What was that like?" said Alice.

"Well, I can't show it to you, myself," the Mock Turtle said:

"I'm too stiff. And the Gryphon never learned it."

"Hadn't time," said the Gryphon: "I went to the Classical master, though. He was an old crab, he was."

"I never went to him," the Mock Turtle said with a sigh: "He taught Laughing and Grief, they used to say."

"So he did, so he did," said the Gryphon, sighing in his turn and both creatures hid their faces in their paws.

"And how many hours a day did you do lessons?" said Alice, in a hurry to change the subject. ; "Ten hours the first day," said the Mock Turtle, "nine the next and so on."

"What acurious plan," exclaimed Alice.

"That's the reason they're called lessons, because they lessen from day to day."

 

Jokes

1.

"Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories."

2.

Mother: Stop using those bad words.

Son: Shakespeare used them.

Mother: Well, don't play with him any more.

3.

1st boy: Does your mother give you anything when you are good?

2nd boy: No, but she gives me something when I am bad.

4.

Mother: You always take too many toys with you: your doll, your trolleybus, and your ball. Let me help you to carry them, my dear.

Little daughter: Oh, no. Mummy. I can carry the toys and you carry me.

5.

Son: Daddy, do you think people can liveon the moon?

Father: I think they can.

Son: But if they can live on the moon, where do they go when the moon in very, very small?

6.

1st little girl: What's your last name, Annie?

2nd little girl: Don't know yet; I am not married.

7.

Little girl: Mummy, tell me at what time I was born?

Mother: It was midnight, my darling.

Little girl: Oh! Mummy, I hope I didn't wake you!

8.

Son: Daddy, do you think Mother knows how to bring up children?

Father: But why do you ask that?

Son: Well, she makes me go to bed when I'm wide awake – and she makes me get up when I am awfully sleepy!

9.

– How old are you. Tommy?

– I shall be six next month.

– Really! You are very tall for your age, my little son. You are taller than my umbrella.

– How old is your umbrella, sir?

10.

Bobbie: How old are you, Kate?

Kate: I am five, and Mother says if I am good and eat everything she gives me, I shall be six next birthday.

11.

Ann: Is my birthday very soon, Mummy?

Mother: Yes, very soon now, but why do you ask?

Ann: I only wanted to know if it is time to be a good girl.

12.

Mother: You are five today. Happy birthday to you!

Tommy: Thank you. Mama.

Mother: Would you like to have a cake with five candles on it for your birthday party?

Tommy: I think I'll better have five cakes and one candle, Mama.

 

Nothing to Learn

Little Jack spent his first day at school and returned disappointed. "What did you learn?" was his aunt's question. "We didn't learn anything," replied the boy. "Well, what did you do in that case?" – "We didn't do anything. There was a woman who didn't know how to spell some very simple words and I told her how."

14.

Teacher: Your spelling is very bad. I told you to write those words ten times each and you've only written them eight.

Boy: Yes, sir. I'm very bad at arithmetic too.

15.

Larry: I shall not go to school any more.

Mother: But why, my dear?

Larry: On Monday the teacher said 4 and 4 is 8. On Tuesday she said 7 and 1 is 8. Today she said 6 and 2 is 8. I shall not go back to school again till the teacher knows arithmetic herself.

16.

Teacher: Jack, why are you late to school every morning?

Jack: When I come to the crossing I see the words: "School – Go slow."

17.

Teacher: Who helped you to draw this map. Jack?

Jack: Nobody, sir.

Teacher: Didn't your brother help you?

Jack: No, sir. He draw it all himself.

18.

Teacher: Jimmy, what are the three words which pupils use most often at school? Jimmy: I don't know...

Teacher: Correct.

19.

Teacher (looking over Teddy's homework): I don't seehowit's possible for a single person to make so many mistakes.

Teddy (proudly): It isn't a single person, teacher, Father

helped me.

20.

Nick: Ann, give me your pen, please.

Ann: And why don't you want to write with your pen? What's wrong with it?

Nick: It makes so many mistakes.

21.

– Is your son a good pupil?

– Yes, he is. He wants to know all the subjects so well that he stays in every class for two years.

22.

Grandfather (looking through Nick's record book: When I was at school I always had five in History and you have four.

Nick: You see, grandfather, when you were at school History was shorter.

23.

A school teacher told a class of small pupils the story of the discovery of America by Columbus. After he had finished the story,

he said:

– And all this happened more than 400 years ago. A little boy said after a moment's thought:

– Oh! What a memory you've got!

24.

Small girl: I want to be a teacher.

Mother: But you don't know enough to be a teacher.

Small girl: That doesn't matter. Teachers only ask questions.

25.

Father: Run and open the door for the professor, Tommy.

Tommy: What's a professor, Daddy?

Father: A professor is a man who knows everything.

Tommy: Oh, then he must know how to open the door himself.

26.

Father: You know/Tom, when Lincoln was your, age he was the best pupil in his class.

Tom: Yes, Father, I know that. But when he was your age he was President of the United States.

27.

Jimmy again got a bad mark for his homework. When he came home, Father looked at his daybook and said:

– How is that young Smith, who is younger than you, is always at the top of the class, while you are at the bottom? Jimmy replied:

– You forget, Dad, that Smith has very clever parents.

28.

Mother: Johnny, I left two pieces of cake in the cupboard this morning; I see there is only one piece. Where is the other? Can you tell me?

Johnny: It was too dark, Mummy. I could not see the other piece.

29.

– Why, boy, how is it you are so short for your age?

– I'm so busy. I have not time to grow.

30.

Teacher: You were late this morning, Brown.

Brown: Yes, sir, I'm sorry. I overslept.

Teacher: Good gracious! Do you sleep at home as well?

31.

A teacher said to a dull pupil:

– When I was your age I could answer any question in arithmetic.

– Yes, but you forget that you had a different teacher from theone I have.

32.

When a little boy arrived home from school his mother asked him if he had been a good boy.

He replied: "Sure I was good in school today! How much trouble can you get into standing in a corner?"

Heat and Cold

A class of physics at school. The teacher: "Now, who can tell me anything about heat?" A small boy held up his hand: "Heat makes things larger, sir, and cold makes things smaller."– "All right, give an example." – "In summer days are longer because it is hot, in winter they are shorter because it is cold."

No Music Lesson

Once the teacher asked his pupil: "Bobby, how many fingers have you?" The pupil answered at ones: "I have ten fingers."

The teacher asked him another question: "Well, if four were missing what would you have then?" – "No music lessons," was the answer.

At the Lesson

"Well, Alee, how much is two plus one?" asked the teacher.

"I don't know, sir," answered the boy.

"Well, Alee! Fancy I give you two dogs and then one dog more. How many dogs have you now?"

"Four dogs," the boy answered timidly.

"Why, Alee?"

"Because I already have one dog, sir."

36.

One day Pete came home from school and said: "I was the only pupil today who could answer the teacher's question."

"Very nice, Pete. And what was the question?"

"The teacher asked who broke the window in the classroom."

37.

– Oh, Mother, must I learn music?

– Yes, I insist, but you can choose what instrument, if you like.

– May I? Then may it be the gramophone?

A Good Student

Professor: Can you tell me anything about the great chemists of the 17th century?

Student: Yes, sir, they are all dead, sir.

39.

Instructor: Cadet Brown, why aren't you listening?

Brown: Yes, I am, sir.

Instructor: Then repeat my last words.

Brown: Cadet Brown, why aren't you listening?

40.

One day a professor was giving his students a lecture on the circulation of blood. To make the subject clear, he said: "Now, look here, if I stand on my head the blood, as you all know, will run to my head. And I shall get red in the face. Now," continued the professor, "what I want to know is this, how is it when I stand on my feet?" The students all sat still for a moment, then one of them held up his hand and said: "Please, sir, it is because your feet are not empty."

41.

The chemistry professor wrote a formula HNO3 on the blackboard. Then he pointed a finger at the inattentive student and said: "Identify that formula, please."

"Just a moment," answered the student, "I've got it rightonthe tip of my tongue*, sir."

"Then," said the professor softly, "you'd better spit it out. It is nitric acid."

42.

Voice on phone: John Smith is sick and can't attend classes today. He requested me to notify you.

Prof.: All right. Who is this speaking?

Voice: This is my roommate.

43.

"Did you pass your exam?"

"Well, it was like this – you see –"

"Shake!** Neither did I."

44.

At a college examination a professor said: " Does the question embarrass you?"

"Not at all, sir," replied the student, "not at all. It is the answer that bothers me."

45.

The more we study, the more we know. The more we know, the more we forget. The more we forget, the less we know. The less we know, the less we forget. The less we forget, the more we know. So why study?

46.

Prof.: Hawkins, what is a synonym?

Stud.: It's a word you use in place of another one when you cannot spell the other one.

__________________________

 

* to have smth on the tip of one's tongue – 1) (букв.) иметь что-л. на кончике языка 2) (идиом.) быть готовым, хотеть что-л. сказать

** Shake!- (зд.) Брось!

 

47.

During a Christmas exam, one of the questions was: "What causes a depression?" One of the students wrote: "God knows! I don't. Merry Christmas!"

The exam paper came back with the Prof.'s notation: "God gets 100, you get zero. Happy New Year!"

48.

The professor rapped on his desk and shouted: "Gentlemen, order!"

The entire class yelled: "Beer!"

49.

"If the Dean doesn't take back what he said to me this morning, I am going to leave college."

"What did he say?"

"He told me to leave college."

50.

The bright student looked long and thoughtfully at the second examination question, which read: "State the number of tons of coal shipped out of the United States in any given year." Then his brow cleared and he wrote: "1492– none."

51.

Prof.: Before we begin the examination are there any questions?

Stud.: What's the name of this course?

52.

Prof.: Wake up that fellow next to you.

Stud.: You do it, Prof., you put him to sleep.

53.

Prof.: You can't sleep in my class.

Stud.: If you didn't talk so loud Icould.

54.

Math teacher: Now we find that X is equal to zero.

Stud.: Gee! All that work for nothing!

55.

Medical Prof.: What would you do in the case of a person eating poisonous mushrooms?

Stud,: Recommend a change of diet.

56.

Prof.: Tell me one or two things about John Milton.*

Stud.: Well, he got married and he wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained.**"

57.

"Our economics professor talks to himself. Does yours?"

"Yes, but he doesn't realize it. He thinks we're listening."

58.

"I shall illustrate what I have in mind," said the professor as he erased the board.

59.

Stud.: I'm indebted to you for all I know.

Prof.: Oh, don't mention such a mere trifle.

60.

First stud.: The dean says he is going to stop smoking in the college.

Second stud.: Huh! Next thing he41 be asking us to stop it too.

61.

A college freshman was being severely criticized by his professor. "Your last paper was very difficult to read," said the professor, "your work should be so written that even the most ignorant will be able to understand it."

"Yes, sir," said the student, "What part didn't you get?"

62.

Prof.: A fool can ask more questions than a wise man can answer.

Stud.: No wonder so many of us failed our exams!

____________________

 

* John Milton – Джон Мильтон (1608–1674), великий английский поэт и публицист

** "Paradise Lost"– «Потерянный рай», "Paradise Regained"– «Возвращенный рай» – названия поэм Мильтона

63.

Prof.: You missed my class yesterday, didn't you?

Stud.: Not in the least, sir, not in the least!

64.

The professor was delivering the final lecture of the term. He dwelt with much emphasis on the fact that each student should devote all the intervening time preparing for the final examinations.

"The examination papers are now in the hands of the printer. Are there any questions to be asked?"

Silence prevailed. Suddenly a voice from the rear inquired: "Who is the printer?"

65.

English Prof.: What is the difference between an active verb and a passive verb?

Stud.: An active verb shows action and a passive verb shows passion.

66.

In one of college classes the professor was unable to stay for the class, so he placed a sign on the door which read as follows: "Professor Blank will be unable to meet his classes today."

Some college lad, seeing his chance to display his sense of humour after reading the notice, walked up and erased the "c" in the word "classes." The professor noticing the laughter wheeled around, walked back, looked at the student, then at the sign with the "c" erased – calmly walked up and erased the "1" in "lasses," looked at the stunned student and proceeded on his way.

67.

Prof.: Never mind the date. The examination is more important.

Stud.: Well, sir, I wanted to have something right on my

paper.

68.

The much preoccupied professor walked into the barber's shop and sat in a chair next to a woman who was having her hair bobbed.

"Haircut, please," ordered the professor.

"Certainly,"" said the barber. "But if you really want a haircut would you mind taking off your hat first?"

The customer hurriedly removed his hat.

"I'm sorry," he apologized as he looked around. "I didn't know there was a lady present."

69.

Reporter; What is the professor's research work?

Prof.'s housekeeper: It consists principally in hunting for his spectacles.

70.

"So you use three pairs of glasses, professor?"

"Yes, one pair for long sight, one pair for short sight,andthe third to look for the other two."

71.

Rupert: What did you do with the cuffs I left on the table last night?

Roland: They were so soiled I sent them to the laundry.

Rupert: Ye gods, the entire history of England was on them.

72.

Pam: Hasn't Harvey ever married?

Beryl: No, and I don't think he intends to, because he's studying for a bachelor's* degree.

73.

Freshman: Say, what's the idea of wearing my raincoat?

Roommate: Well, you wouldn't want our new suit to get wet, would you?

74.

A son at college wrote his father:

"No mon, no fun, your son." The father answered:

"How sad, too bad, your dad."

75.

"Say, dad, remember that story you told me about when you were expelled from college?"

"Yes."

"Well, I was just thinking, dad, how true it is that history repeats itself."

______________________

 

* bachelor– 1) холостяк 2) бакалавр

 

76.

"Where have you been for the last four years?"

"At college taking medicine.*"

"And did you finally get well?"

____________________

 

* to take medicine– 1) изучать медицину 2) принимать лекарство

 

 

77.

Friend: And what is your son going to be when he's passed his final exam?

Father: An old man.

78.

"A telegram from George, dear."

"Well, did he pass the examination this time?"

"No, but he is almost at the top of the list of thosewho failed."

Poems, Limericks

 

Eve Merriam

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