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Listening as a basis for a special way of relating
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Listening as a basis for a special way of relating
Listening involves a valuable way of relating to another person because of its central concern with the growth of each person in the relationship. At the heart of personal growth is our own understanding of ourselves and others and our capacity to know our own reality. Increasingly persons are seeking relationships based on growth and learning rather than on gratification and power. Often, love is no longer enough. There is a new awareness of the possibility for growth in relationships through the kinds of skills involved in listening and other peer-counseling and self-help approaches.
More persons now want something specific in their relationships that goes beyond general feelings of liking or attraction. They want to know, " What can I learn from you? " or ’'What benefit will there be for each of us from a relationship with each other? " And these questions make sense when there is a working knowledge of personal growth and helping skills that persons can use together. Without this knowledge, such questions do not lead anywhere because they cannot be dealt with. Without this knowledge personal relationships are more likely to be based on sentiment or manipulation. But with it personal growth in relationships need no longer be left to chance. We can actively direct our energies toward our growth with each other.
Listening as a way of loving
While love may not be enough, it often enters into a listening relationship. Listening can be a way of loving. Feelings of delight, attraction, and identification are commonly experienced strongly in a successful listening interchange. The listening format itself is a freeing one, in the sense that each person's experience is respected and free to emerge, and also in the sense that feelings are not tied to " expected" behaviors. We can share deeply without having to meet expectations or " take responsibility for" the other. Listening is therefore loving in the sense of prizing the beauty of the other person as a knowing-feeling being. And the one listened to often feels a deep appreciation and caring for the listener as well, for having made their self-discovery possible.
The spiritual aspect of listening
And lastly, listening is for me a spiritual way of being with another. It is spiritual because it reveres the life process. It tries not to mold or manipulate. It is a way to be with the flow of the being going on within us. It is like two persons listening to the heart of one. There is no way of programming what goes on inside us. Being listened to is concrete moment-to-moment living held in suspension for the moment in our effort to find meaning in it, but also happening as a result of that effort. It is spiritual because it is being in touch with the creation of awareness. As we are listened to we create meaning, and this meaning in turn re-shapes the experience, from which in turn new knowledge and truth emerge. At its best, it is like a dance, a joyful dance of discovery, in which the partners trace each other's steps. Together they form the pattern of their becoming.
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References
Friere, Paulo. The Pedagogy of Oppression.
Gendlin, Eugene. Experiencing and the Creation of meaning.
Gordon, Thomas. Parent Effectiveness Training.
Polayi, Michael. Personal Knowledge.
Rogers, Carl. On Becoming a Person.
Ferdinand van der Veen, How to do listening: an explanation for people new to Changes
Introduction
Mike is in a Beginning Listening group at Changes. He has just finished " listening" to me, and is now being listened to by Dave (Dave's responses to Mike are left out). Mike says, " There are two things here. Listening results in good things happening. First, in my understanding someone else, understanding what Ferdinand said, I really learned better what he was doing after I listened to him.
And I found out something important about him.
And then, in hearing my words back when I am listened to, when I hear Dave telling me what I say, then I understand myself. There's something the matter, that listening does these things equally, understanding someone else and understanding myself.
I know what it is. I don't expect to understand me. When I try to figure myself out I always end up confused. But now, when I listen to Dave saying what I said, I understand. It has never been like that before. I didn't realize. I could understand myself and not end up confused! "
This is a good example of the experience many persons have when they first learn listening. Listening, the way we use it at Changes, is a name for an important way that people can help each other and themselves. It is a special way of talking with someone. When we are being listened to, we can understand ourselves better and know better what we feel and think. And when we listen to another we help that person in the same way.
Listening is a way of helping a person know himself better. It is something we can learn to do for others and something others can learn to do for us.
Also, when we are doing listening we understand the other person better. That is why listening is important when something needs to be decided or when there is conflict between people or when there are problems to be solved. Listening makes it possible for people to be in good communication with each other and with themselves. That is its main purpose - being in touch with what is actually going on in ourselves and in others so that we can live and relate in ways that feel right, that work, and that make sense. That is why it is important.
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