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About feedback. Non-evaluative feedback
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About feedback
An important thing to stress here is becoming comfortable with giving and receiving feedback about the listening. That is, the listener should begin to get used to hearing what helped or " worked" for the talker; what he/she did that seemed to move or change things, and what went wrong. Gradually, the listener can learn about the ways people are different, about their different needs. For example, some people might need to have what they say reflected very often, because they need to make sure the listener is with them; others might need time to quietly explore themselves with little response.
The giving of feedback is an important process for the talker, as it helps him/her to become conscious about his/her needs, about what works and what doesn’t. Also, when feedback is explicitly asked for, it is possible to avoid the kind of " dead”, lifeless interactions that go on when the interaction goes on and on because it's supposed to be getting somewhere but isn't, and somehow both people never get it together to talk about it. Discussing likes and dislikes (make sure both get talked about! ) about what went on is helpful for both people so that they can learn to become conscious of and articulate the issues that come up between them, in the interaction, the " We" issues (Noel and DeChenne, 1971). Often these are just sensed - a person has a feeling that something is " off" or not going right. One way this often happens at the beginning of learning listening is for the listener to be unsure about whether or not he/she is doing the right thing because the talker is responding a certain way. Through getting feedback, the listener can go through an important learning process, discovering just where the unsureness is coming from. That is, he/she begins to learn the difference between his/her own feelings of insecurity about learning on the one hand, and what is actually being experienced by the talker on the other. In this process, both people benefit from learning about the kinds of needs and expectations they have from other people.
Sometimes the " processing" interaction or discussion between the listener and talker happens spontaneously, so each is hearing what went on for the other. Many times, however, you will have to stop each person and slow them down by giving listening responses so that each gets a chance to completely experience what happened. (It is as if you are teaching them to really take in what they are talking about. )
If at any point the people in the group start jumping in to say what they are experiencing, try to listen to each person in such a way that the discussion stays centered on the teaching topic and also demonstrates listening in as many ways as possible.
Non-evaluative feedback
When you (as leader) give people feedback, try to use what is going on as an example of what it is like to learn listening, or as an example of what listening is or is not, rather than as what each person is doing right or wrong. People generally run into exactly the same problems when they are learning listening, so this isn't too hard to do. If something comes up which you have had trouble with, share your own experience with it, if you feel like it.
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lt took me a while to realize that both listeners and talkers feel competitive and inadequate in the learning situation (certainly not a surprise! ). There is the added pressure of " learning how to help someone" and " needing to know the right thing to do, " appear competent, sensitive, helpful, etc. The best way to deal with these feelings is to do a lot of listening to both listener and talker about how they feel about doing and learning what you are teaching. That way, everyone can see that other people have the same insecurities they do, and soon the group will feel they are all working toward a common goal, and sharing common learning difficulties. This builds a close feeling of cooperation.
Alwavs listen BEFORE you give feedback.
Ask something like, " How was it for you to listen (talk)? '' Don't be content with " fine" or " it felt comfortable. " Ask people to say more. If no one raises issues like those mentioned above, talk about your own feelings, either present feelings or how you felt as a beginning listener. If people do not connect with their feelings about what they are doing, their listening and talking become stereotyped, mechanical, unspontaneous. Incidentally, listening first, before you give instructional or conceptual feedback, takes much of the burden off you as a teacher, because you are letting them tell you about what they are learning, about what comes up for them as they are learning. By listening to them you allow them to take the initiative for their own learning. Then anything you have to say is a sharing of experience between you and the person, based on mutual understanding. Your job is mainly to keep the group experience " on track, " to organize and abstract experiences as they come up so that people get a sense of what listening/focusing is and what it is not.
In general, I have found that it is better to let people go through the interaction without my breaking in, so they can get a feel for it. However, if it is really going wrong, break in and demonstrate, or give a simple instruction to the listener and have them start over, or I listen to the listener.
As a leader, I experience myself as someone who is there to get a good process going, and to teach people how to talk about that process, rather than as someone who monitors and labels their behavior. This includes accepting negative feelings. If people complain or say it's no good, listen to that.
Remember that when you start the round robin you are first. Try to demonstrate good focusing by clearly going into yourself, clearly checking to see if the listener is getting at your experience, and giving good feedback about that. I have found that it is very important to say why listening is important to you, what you get out of teaching it, and how you feel just now in this group. This gives people a vivid sense of what this is all for, or what they might get out of it. It also helps you to feel comfortable in sharing your vulnerable feelings in the group. The more you can show this is safe for you, the safer the group members will feel.
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