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Example of listening teaching structure
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Example of listening teaching structure
Tell the group that you're going to be doing, what you want to teach, and that you will listen to each one for five to ten minutes about what they expect to get out of the group. When you give a listening response, tell everyone that it was a listening response, and tell them why it was a listening response. Point out how that is different from what usually happens in conversations. Try to teach while letting the interaction be as natural as possible. For example, wait until you feel you have understood the talker, and until the talker says he/she feels understood before beginning to point out the principle of what you are doing. Also, make sure to notice and comment about whether the talker focuses or checks inside to see if he/she really feels understood by your response. (For example, " You could really see from Joe’s face that his attention was turned inside just then, that he was checking inside to see if the listener's response really captured what he was trying to communicate. ”)
Notice that it doesn't really matter if a listener is " right" about their response. What matters is that both people tune in more and more to their experience and find better and better ways of communicating it accurately. If the listener is " wrong" it is just as well, because the talker can say " No, that’s not it, it's more like… " Either way, something important is learned.
After you have heard out each person about what they want/ expect from the group, introduce the structure for practicing listening.
Here it is: each person in the group will listen to the person on their left for a brief period, until the talker feels understood about whatever experiences he/she brings up. Then you (the leader) will listen to the listener about how it was for them to listen, what came up for them while they were trying to focus on the talker. When the listener has had a chance to focus on his/her issues, then the leader listens to the talker about issues which came up for them while being listened to. This continues around the group until each person has had a chance to be both listener and talker.
Following is a list of good beginning teaching points. They can't be too complicated at the beginning because most people have to practice some before they can connect with the points you are making in their experience. Intellectual understanding often has no effect on actual listening or focusing behavior.
1. Watching the face of the talker to see if he/she felt understood.
2. Relaxing if you feel yourself trying too hard (especially in your body). Not straining.
3. Repeating over to yourself the same words the person said until a sense comes up in you of what they meant.
4. Stopping the talker before he/she says too much for you to understand. Taking care of yourself as a listener; breaking in where you need to break in.
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5. Again, saying back to the talker just what he/she said, in your own words, without adding or subtracting. (If the listener is really lost, adding or taking away a lot, give a listening response to the talker, to clear up the interaction, then listen to the listener to find out what is getting in his/her way. )
6. To the Talker: talking slowly enough to be able to " listen to yourself, " to hear what you are saying inside. And " checking" to make sure what was right and what felt not right about what the listener said. (It helps to say something about the horrible temptation there is to agree with what the listener thinks you said, in order to avoid hurting their feelings, telling them they're wrong, etc. )
General rule
Avoid terminology as much as possible. Use what is going on in the interaction in front of you and describe it vividly, experientially, so that everyone can see what you mean.
There is a big temptation to make conceptual points when doing this, but that never seems to work as well as giving your own experience and observations about what is happening, or listening to someone else's.
Usually each interaction comes to some natural ending point when you can ask the talker, " Is that a good stopping place? " It is good to ask this, otherwise, people will often go on because they think they are supposed to keep talking. Sometimes very needy people come to the group who could go on for a long time and you need to find a stopping place for them. You can tell them you would like to hear more later, after the group.
Of course, there are times in a group like this when extremely moving or difficult interactions happen between people which cannot be artificially cut off. Use your intuition, but stick to the structure wherever possible. You may have to say clearly, more than once, that this is a learning group and that longer interactions can happen at other times.
Try to keep to the structure if a discussion gets going, e. g., ask the person who seems to have a hot issue if he could be listened to next and get someone in the group to take their turn. I try to make listening happen in almost every interaction - if this continues for a whole session, it creates a very clear, relaxed, close atmosphere and everyone will be able to experience the impact of listening.
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