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Kathy N. Boukydis (a.k.a McGuire), Rules for listening in task-oriented groups
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Kathy N. Boukydis (a. k. a McGuire), Rules for listening in task-oriented groups
We have found at Changes that, contrary to our old learnings, feelings and intuitions can be valuable contributions to decision-making at task-oriented group meetings; that to stay on a completely businesslike, logical level can miss a lot of creative input and can contribute to the building of tensions which finally explode. It turns out that one person's scared feeling about a decision, if given space to be heard, can lead to a new insight for the whole group; that someone's very vague, hard-to-say intuition can turn out to be a creative input that the more logical mode of discussion would miss.
Connected with this, we found that certain ways of responding to a person's feeling or idea make the person feel punished or less likely to talk again, even if that wasn't the group’s intention. So, we tried to develop some rules for meetings which spot the punishing responses and provide, instead, an encouraging, warm way of response. They also instruct the group to pay extra attention to feeling places and vague intuitions, so that the decision can be based on as much input as possible. They also set a time limit for uninterrupted talking so that, if you can't relate in any way to what someone is saying, instead of telling the person to " Shut up! " you can wait until that person's three minutes are up, and go on.
It doesn't work to just tell people to let all their feelings hang out - then the group gets all caught up in the feelings and can't get its work done. What we have found is that, if you can disconnect yourself from arguing with the person or taking what the other says personally and defending yourself, and just ask the person to " say more" about the feeling or idea that is there, a whole new and peaceful way of dealing with tensions arises.
Although using rules seems silly at the beginning, they are necessary to help recognize old bad habits and to try a change. One group member needs to be a " process monitor" - to stay out of the discussion, no matter how heated it becomes, and to concentrate totally on helping the others to remember the rules. Each time the rules are used, a different person can try being process monitor. The process monitor can also have time to say his or her opinions, as long as someone else in the group takes over the role of process monitor during this time.
So, the rules are based on the assumption that, at certain times, the best possible thing to do to fix hassles and/or to help a person feel understood and supported by the group is simply to ask the person or persons involved to say more about where they are coming from. For instance, if someone says, " I can't stand this whole group and what it's planning, " ask that person to say more, and you will see the person shift from anger to telling you where he or she is hurting; jump on the person or argue, and you'll get a big mess and misunderstanding that may take weeks to clear up. You'll find that, when people know that they are going to have a chance to say more, their whole way of being in the group changes. People come on less defensively, because they know that they're not going to be attacked; everything goes more slowly so that people have a chance to think before they speak and to hear what someone else says so they don't have to repeat it. Very creative inputs to decision-making come out when people have the time to put their finger on exactly what it is about the present plan or discussion that makes them feel uptight or to explore carefully some inkling they have of what would make it really exciting.
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Some “how to”s for group discussion
1. First, two people need to volunteer to share the role of " process monitor" (PM). They can sit next to each other, and if one needs out, the other can take over. Only one needs to be doing it at a time. The PM needs to be willing to stay out of the discussion, no matter how heated it becomes, and to concentrate on helping others to remember to try the new behaviors. This is done by gently reminding people in the situation if they are forgetting (" Wait. You need to ask her to say more" or " Your three minutes is almost up. " ) The PM also keeps track of who gets the next turn to talk, especially if there are several people waiting. The PM needs to have a watch with a second hand, and a little bravery.
It won’t work unless you have a real live appointed process monitor. You may think that you can do without, and watch yourselves, but soon you will have snow-balled right back into the old way of being. The PM doesn't really have to miss out on giving his/her opinions, as long as there are two and they can take turns.
2. Agree to limit uninterrupted talking by one person to three minutes, to be timed by the process monitor. This does not apply if someone is asked to say more - then, they get more time. This way, if you want someone to stop so you can have a turn, instead of interrupting or getting into a hassle with the person, you'll know you only have to wait patiently for three minutes. On the other hand, you'll know you'll have an entire three minutes to lay out your thing, if you need that much time.
3. No stealing the floor. You can interrupt only to ask for clarification (" Can you say more about…? ”) or to say, " I need a turn soon, " if you are afraid that you will never get a turn. Then, the person can go on, but the PM will make sure you get a turn soon.
4. No “But…”. Instead, ask for more. This is the new thing that you are learning here: how to turn an interruption or an argument into a chance for understanding. When you feel upset or confused by what another is saying, instead of interrupting to say your side, ask them to say more about the specific part that is upsetting you. In this way, you get to point at your problem with what they are saying without clobbering them unjustly. If you ask someone to say more, you automatically get the next turn, so you'll know that you'll still get to say your thing, if you still need to.
Remember, no “But…” or interrupting. Instead, say, “Can you say more about…? ”, or “Can you say more? ” You don't have to sit and be confused or upset while they ramble on. Stop them and ask them to say more about the part where you got lost or confused or angry. For example, " Wait. I need you to say more about how you think this is related to our public image. "
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Example
Alice: " I think we should have a steering committee and that it should meet once a month. It could have one representative from…"
Not Bruce: " But this is supposed to be a collective! "
Instead Bruce: " Can you say more about why you think a steering committee would be helpful? "
5. The same thing applies when someone is having a heavy feeling, even if the heavy feeling is about you. Ask them to say more about what they are feeling or what’s upsetting them about that, instead of ignoring them or putting them down or immediately rising to your own defense.
Example
Helen: " I feel scared to have us do that speaking engagement. "
Not Susan: " Oh, there's nothing to be scared of; I do it all the time. "
Not Allan: " l feel really angry with you because you are always pushing us to be more political! "
Not Marge: " I am not. It's just that you're so wishy-washy! "
Instead Marge: " Can you say more about what feels bad or pushy in there? "
6. The same thing applies when someone is having trouble finding the right words to say their thing - either ask for more specifically to help them or just tell them to take their time - they have an entire three minutes. Don't let them give up just so the rest of you can hurry on.
Example
Donna: " It's something about confusing our goals… Oh, I give up. I can't think of the right words to describe it right now. ”
Not Wayne: " I have something to say about that. It's our need…"
Instead Wayne: " Can you say more about how it’s a confusion of goals? "
Or Sally: " Take your time. We can wait. "
Nobody has to say more, unless they want to, but it’s wise to ask them. Remember, the more often you can find appropriate times to ask people to say more, the better things will go the more possible confusions and misunderstandings you will avoid. Also, stay away from Who, What, Where and Why sorts of questions as much as possible. (This does not mean that you don't ask for a simple piece of information where necessary. It just means not to put people to the third degree. ) Instead, phrase it open-endedly so that the person does not feel defensive about giving the right answer, “Can you say more…? ”
7. Last, but not least, if you find yourself thinking, " I like what she/he just said, " or " That was really brave, " etc., say it out loud. People need to know that their words aren't going into a vacuum and need all the support they can get, especially if what they said was risky in the first place.
It may seem awkward at the beginning, but pretty soon asking for more will become a habit and a natural thing to do. Good luck!
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