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The larger significance of the process
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The larger significance of the process
The essentials of dialoguing are widely applicable, since they may be adapted to many settings and relationships in which mutual understanding and trust are valued. Persons often respond with enthusiasm when the process and the program for learning it are explained. They welcome the possibility of making sense out of what is typically a confusing and uncertain area of their lives; to replace a hit-or-miss approach to communication with one that is understandable and learnable, one that takes their own needs and those of the other person into account. This is the reason that I am hopeful and excited about dialoguing - it provides a way for us to deal directly and responsibly with our problems and goals in relating to one another.
References
Carkhuff, R., Helping and Human Relations. Volumes I and II; New York Holt, Rinehart and Winston, 1969.
Gendlin, E., Focusing. Psychotherapy: Theory, Research and Practice, 1969, 4-15.
Gordon, T. Parent Effectiveness Training. New York, Peter Wyden, 1970.
Guerney, B. Relationship Enhancement: Skill Training Programs for Therapy, Problem Prevention and Enrichment. San Francisco Jossey-Bass, 1977.
Rogers, C. R. On Becoming a Person. Boston, Hughton-Mifflin, 1961.
Rosenberg, M. From Now On. St. Louis, Community Psychological Consultants, 1976.
Kristin Glaser, Suggestions for working with heavy strangers and friends
A “heavy" person is someone who gives you a gut feeling of " Oh, God, I don't think I can handle this! " Whether they would be labelled suicidal, hallucinating, needy, or just behaving in strange ways, you feel them as heavy. The following is an account of what Changes has learned about helping heavy people.
Most people who come to Changes, whether to give help or receive it, are single, relatively together people looking for a community to join. Our usual way of relating to people is to let informal listening, caring relationships develop, depending on who happens to be around, who likes whom, etc., and this usually works pretty well. We have learned, though, that some people who come into our community need a very different way of relating.
The following principles were developed through our experience of working with and being worked over by a number of fascinating people who thought they had cancer, only talked Latin, threatened to kill themselves or us, and in other ways opted for the privileges of the insane.
Some thoughts about heavy people
1. Some people come and say in plain English, " Help me with my head, " but very often heavy people don't ask for this in a straight way. Instead, they may ask for a place to stay, or a job. You may be able to see their need for change, but they
don’t, and you may feel in a bind because you know you're going to have to deal somehow with their heavy behavior.
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2. Keep in mind that heavy people may have come from another place that tried to make them get help.
3. Some heavy people are old masters at the interaction of " let's you and me fight about getting help, " so if you start giving advice or trying to organize them, you may be giving them an old response that hasn't done them much good. ln fact, fighting with others about their " illness" may be one of the few ways they have to relate. Try to create new ways of relating and avoid the old ways.
4. Many heavy people have become expert at showing how freaky and crazy they are, and some have become highly resourceful at getting people involved with them. Respect this powerful interpersonal skill.
Dealing with your own feelings
Often when people try to deal with a heavy person on an individual basis, one by one they were turned off or worn out by the excessive demands and strange behavior. You become uncomfortable because you feel you're failing, the heavy person gets more upset because people are turning away, and the situation isn't helpful or productive for anyone.
There are a number of personal issues I usually have to deal with. I tend to get uptight because I identify with heavy people in various ways, or I react to them with helplessness followed by anger and depression. Also, I get a strange kick out of someone who is doing crazy things. It's like, “I can't faint and be super-seductive to get attention, but just look at that lady go! " When I catch myself feeling like this, I feel bad. Another problem is feeling guilty about not responding to a heavy man's sexual overtures because of class prejudice. Other people have to deal with their anger at people who are making so many demands (" like babies" ) and feeling overwhelmed by " I am responsible to do something for this person. " Another frequent issue is fearing " I might be like them" or " somehow they will hurt (contaminate) me. ”
In the unstructured Changes community, I've sometimes had trouble because I don’t feel like a friend, and I know I’m not the therapist - so what the hell is my role? To avoid feeling like a " responsible doctor" or a phony friend, I try to settle
on being a community member who is relating with the heavy person. This gives me a standard: I am offering a basic level of caring, concern, and resources that I would probably offer to any person in the group. If the heavy person wants it, a reciprocal relationship is possible. If they don't want to be at the helped end of a one-way relationship, they can be a community person toward me.
Many of these personal reactions to a heavy person can be supportively dealt with by a team, which decides together how everyone will relate with the heavy person. It doesn't matter whether or not the heavy person officially asks for help, because the team also benefits itself by getting together. Ideally, this team is a group of people who know each other well and are comfortable talking about their feelings. In actuality, it is any group of people we can get together.
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