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When not to. When to express yourself. Heavy interactions
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When
When not to
When the other person is into his thing, or might get into it if you let him. People can almost always hear you better if they are heard first, and get in touch with where they are first. Also, as the other person does this, it may change what you feel without your saying anything. It might be something of a wrench in you to let the other person go first, we all feel the need to go first. But it is hard to hear you on top of unclear and upsetting feelings in the person.
If you are very upset, and if the interaction isn't already a trusting one, wait a few moments. As you calm down you can sift your feelings better, and also, they are easier for the other person to take if it seems clear that you aren’t being wiped out by what you feel.
If you are very confused about what you feel, and need to talk the stuff before you even know yourself what you feel, ask the person first if you can. It lets the other person get ready and it helps them not get upset at the first thing you say.
When to express yourself
When you want to make a relationship better or closer or more personal.
When you are being " twisted out of your own shape" in some way. For instance, if he is implying that you agree with him, and you don't, or if he is implying some way you feel about him, and you don't feel that way, or if for any other reason you can't be there straight and yourself anymore, unless you say something of you.
When the other person's process is stuck on something which has to do with your insides, as when he needs to hear more from you to feel at ease about you, or when he misconstrued one of your reactions, tell him openly how it is inside you. Don't let him try to relate to what you really weren't. He can continue
interacting with that, it's not you, even if it may be easier for you to remain unseen or misconstrued, private.
When, in a group, nothing is happening, if you express some of you, it opens things up for others also to express themselves. (Something personal and meaningful inside you is better to express in a stuck group, than merely your feelings about it being stuck or boring. )
When the other person isn't up to relating with you it may help for you to just freely express anything from you or about yourself (so you don’t have to be carried by him as a dead weight. )
When you are being idealized, viewed as wonderful or free of troubles, the next trouble or not so nice way you are that you find yourself in might be good to share.
When the other person feels afraid that he or she has wounded or destroyed you, share the specifics of how you do feel. Usually this is the only way to let it be seen that, although hurt or upset or whatever, you are also still OK too. If you think you'll blow up or cry, that might be OK, if it doesn’t seem OK wait a few moments.
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When you feel like it. There are two people here, both have equal rights. The above reasons are only some, you may not need to know why you feel like it, always.
Heavy interactions
13. If a person asks you for something you can't give: maybe you can't give it, but you can tell him you're glad he's in touch with what he needs. You can also tell him you're glad he felt OK to ask. This is especially so if the need is in the direction of life and growth for the person, such as wanting to engage in some activity or wanting sex or closeness or time with you (see below for other examples).
14. Sometimes, even if a positive life thrust isn't obvious, you can say that there probably is one in what the person is doing, and ask what it is. Most people have the world against them, but you're with him.
15. When a person acts to you in a way that is obviously bad or (you think) would make most people uptight, or is self-defeating (and you think, maybe, no wonder lots of people turn off to this person, if this is how he acts…) there are several things you can do.
15a. You can say how it makes you feel, with most of your words about you.
15b. You can point to what he is doing and ask what that is for him. Do not call it what most people would call it, leave it vaguer and not defined, describe the moment just now when it happened and let him feel into what it is. If you call it
" attacking", " manipulating", “lazy", " whining" or " controlling", or any such condemning label, you give him only the external view. Inside of him it’s never this but something more complex and different. So be puzzled about what this is in him, even if you could give it a clear bad name from an outside viewpoint.
15c. If you sense what good life thrust might be in this bad way of acting, then respond to that life thrust, just as if he had acted it fully and appropriately. A lot of crummy ways are really crummy only because the right thing is half done, and half defeated, instead of being done fully and freely. If you respond to the half of it that is happening, that lets it happen more. Responding to the half that’s missing isn't as helpful.
Examples
Someone is whiningly complaining, and you sense that he is trying to take up for himself and doing a half job of it, half sounding defeated and childish, then it is not so helpful to say, “Why do you always whine and come on so weak? Why don't you stand up strong and say what you want? ” It is more helpful to respond to the half of this that’s already trying to happen in the whining, and say, " You're really calling a halt to their shit, and saying exactly what you need from people instead. "
Some healthy life-enhancing processes are: taking up for yourself, defending the way you see it, allowing yourself to be free to feel as you do, reaching out for someone, getting it together to try to do something when you haven’t been able to for some time, exploring, wondering about yourself, trying to meet people, sexuality, a sense of cosmic significance or mystery, getting peaceful, letting someone see you, trying something new, taking charge of the situation, telling someone how you need them to be, being honest, hoping, refusing to give up, being able to ask for help, checking someone out before trusting them, and many more.
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