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The congruent talking skills. The empathic listening skills
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The congruent talking skills
The purpose of the talker, or expresser, skills is to ensure that the feelings, thoughts and wishes of the talker are clearly expressed in a way that is most likely to lead to greater understanding and acceptance by the listener. There are five talker skills: say emotions, be specific, speak from a personal point of view, state positive wants, and make a positive relationship statement.
1. Say personal emotions. Openly state the emotions or bodily feelings you are having, like, " I feel frustrated", or " I am feeling happy", or " My stomach is in a knot. " Sometimes it may be hard to say what your emotions or feelings are. It is necessary then to say a little about that, which may also help you become clearer on what they are. When you do not say your feelings, it is easy for the other person to misinterpret the meaning for you of what you are saying, or for you to not be clear about what you mean.
2. Be specific. Say in concrete terms the specific situation and behavior you are talking about. If you say something like, " I don't like how you have been treating me lately, " the listener will not really know what it is you are talking about. Much more understandable is a specific statement like, " I was upset yesterday and I wanted to talk about it, but you kept telling me not to worry, so I thought you didn't want to hear what I had to say. "
3. Use a personal point of view (owned or " I" messages). Say how you feel or think about something, not how something " actually" is " out there. " Stating something subjectively means that you are aware you are talking about your perception or interpretation of the situation or of the other person, and that your perception or interpretation may not be completely accurate. You are more likely to avoid an argument by saying, " It seems to me that you are not doing your homework, " than to say, " You are not doing your homework. " This is most damaging when it takes the form of an accusation, " You are lazy", or " You are unfair", rather than, " I don’t see you doing any work around the house, " or " I think you are not being fair to me. " We are each the ultimate authority on how things look to us; an argument is therefore less likely when we clearly label what we say as our own experience and not as " fact. "
4. Say a behavioral action want. This means to include in your message what you would specifically like the other person to do or say. It is again important here to be specific. Rather than saying, " I want you to be more caring, " which leaves the listener uncertain about what to do, say, " I want you to hug me when I come home", or " I want you to ask me how I am feeling when I act upset. " It is especially important that action wants are included with criticisms. This may save a great deal of time and unnecessary argument, since the other person may be willing to do what you want, though still disagree with your opinion.
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5. Make a positive relationship statement. Say something positive about the relationship, why it is important to you, or why you like the other person. This will lessen the likelihood that the value of the relationship is buried by the particular issue of the moment. Small differences often consume a great deal of time while common wishes and interests go unsatisfied. A positive relationship statement helps to put negative feelings in perspective. Some examples of positive relationship statements are, " I think that one reason I am so upset when you don’t listen is that your understanding is more important to me than anyone else’s", or " I am glad you brought this problem up because our relationship means a lot to me and I want you to care about me", or " Even though I feel angry I also know that you have been trying hard and I really appreciate that. " The point here is to be able to get past the particular issue to a positive sense of each other as valued persons.
In my experience, the use of these five skills will make it more likely that I will be understood and that my wants will be met in a relationship. It usually takes several expressions in order to adequately cover all five points, particularly if a topic involves strong feelings. Also, being listened to empathically usually helps me express myself more accurately and fully.
The empathic listening skills
The purpose of empathic listening is to convey to the talker that the talker's feelings, thoughts and wants are understood and accepted. Listening in this way does not mean agreeing with what the talker says; rather it conveys that the talker has the same right to her thoughts and feelings as you, the listener, have to yours. As the listener, you indicate by tone of voice, facial expression, eye contact and the manner and content of your words that you are, for the moment, putting aside your own thoughts and feelings and concentrating fully on understanding the talker's experience, from the talker’s own point of view. When listening you (1) concentrate on the feelings, thoughts and wants expressed by the speaker; (2) say back to the speaker the main part of what you hear her to be saying and feeling and only that; and (3) correct your statement if the speaker indicates that that was not what she meant or that you left out an important part.
Probably the most consistent way to convey empathic understanding is to reflect back what you hear in words very similar to those used by the talker, being especially sure to include feelings expressed by the talker. Using words similar to those of the talker is especially necessary when first learning listening. Most beginners are surprised at the difficulty of simply understanding the other’s experiences and not adding their own thoughts and opinions. After some practice at it you will be able to comprehend the talker’s personal feelings and wants more accurately and to reflect back just the most essential part of the talker’s message. It is important to be continually open to correction and to new meanings as these emerge for the talker.
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An essential negative requirement for listening is to put aside your own thoughts and feelings. This means to not offer advice, give opinions, ask questions, recount your own experiences, or any of the many things we usually do or say in ordinary conversation. Such responses usually divert the talker's attention from what is on her mind to what is on yours, before she has been adequately understood. Only be attentive and check to see if your understanding of the speaker is adequate. While this can be quite difficult with more emotional issues, it may help to keep in mind that you will soon have a chance yourself to say what you think and feel, and that then you will receive the same careful attention that you are now giving. In learning dialoguing the listening skills are usually practiced more at first, to increase the likelihood that the speaker will be understood and accepted.
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