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Medical humor: medicsl jokes and medical slang
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MEDICAL HUMOR: MEDICSL JOKES AND MEDICAL SLANG
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Neurotics build castles in the air. Psychotics live in them. Psychiatrists are the people who collect the rent.
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Benefits of having Alzheimer's disease
1. You never have to watch reruns on television. 2. You are always meeting new people. 3. You don't have to remember the complaints of your spouse
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Patient: Doctor, I have a split personality. Psychiatrist: Nurse, bring in another chair.
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Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I’m crazy because I like sausages.
Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too.
Patient: Good, you should come see my collection. I’ve got hundreds of ’em.
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Psychiatrists say that 1 out of every 4 people are mentally ill...
Check 3 friends, if they’re okay, you’re it.
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" Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me I just can't stop my hands shaking! "
" Do you drink a lot? “ " Not really - I spill most of it! "
MEDICAL RIDDLES
Who is a psychiatrist? - One who doesn't have any problem until other people have problems. Someone who asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
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What's the difference between a physician, a surgeon, a psychiatrist, and a pathologist?
The physician knows everything and does nothing.
The surgeon knows nothing and does everything.
The psychiatrist knows nothing and does nothing.
The pathologist knows everything, but always a week too late.
MEDICAL SLANG
Brain fry - electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) for depression. International House of Pancakes - Neurology ward full of patients (usually stroke victims) all babbling in a different language. Squash – brain. Neuron – a neurologist. Oligoneuronal ('few neurons') – stupid. Pumpkin positive - lacking in intelligence; implies that the patient's brain is so small that shining a torch into their mouth would cause their head to light up like a pumpkin. Fruit salad - group of stroke patients, all unable to take care of themselves. Head - a brain-injury patient. Usage - " I’ve got a head I’ve got to deal with. " Psychoceramics - psycho-geriatrics. Freud Squad – a psychiatry department. Dement - Alzheimer patient. Downie - Down-Syndrome Slang
THE URINARY SYSTEM
Phonetic exercise: urine [‘juə rin], urinary [‘juə rinri], excretory [eks’kri: tə ri], ureters [juə ‘ri: tə z], urethra [juə ‘ri: θ rə ], medulla [me‘dΛ lə ], abdomen [‘æ bdə men], abdominal [æ b’d 
minl], diaphragm [‘daiə fræ m], urination [, juə ‘ri’nei∫ n], nephritis [ni’fraitis], pyelonephritis [, paiə lə ni’fraitis], renal failure [‘ri: nl ‘feiljə ], urethritis [, juə ri: θ ’raitis]
Make a report on the urinary system according to the plan below:
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Definition: an excretory system
Functions: first(ly), to produce urine, second(ly), to store urine, and third(ly), to eliminate urine.
Location: in the abdomen and pelvis.
Structure: 2 kidneys, 2 ureters, the bladder, the urethra, 2 sphincter muscles.
The kidneys: the structure: the renal cortex and the renal medulla; location: in the abdominal cavity in the retroperitoneum, at the vertebral level of thoracic vertebra 12 to lumbar vertebra 3; the right kidney: below the diaphragm and posterior to the liver; the left kidney: below the diaphragm and posterior to the spleen.
The size of the kidney: approximately 11–14 cm in length, 6 cm wide and 4 cm thick.
The weight of each adult kidney: 125 -170 grams in males and 115-155 grams in females.
The main functions of the kidneys: to excrete urine, to regulate acid-base balance, to regulate electrolyte concentrations, to regulate extracellular fluid volume, and to regulate blood pressure.
The ureters: muscular tubes; the main function: to propel urine from the kidneys to the urinary bladder; the length: 25–30 cm; the diameter: 3-4 mm;
The urinary bladder: a hollow muscular, and elastic organ;
the main function: to collect urine excreted by the kidneys. The volume capacity: 300 – 500 ml
The urethra: a tube; the main function: to connect the urinary bladder to the outside of the body.
The external urethral sphincter: a striated muscle; the main function: to allow voluntary control over urination.
The most common diseases: nephritis, glomerulonephritis, kidney stones or nephrolithiasis, kidney tumors, benign kidney tumors, malignant kidney tumors, pyelonephritis, renal failure, kidney cancer, cystitis, bladder cancer, urethritis, etc.
pyelonephritis
Phonetic exercise: urine [‘juə rin], urinary [‘juə rinri], excretory [eks’kri: tə ri], ureters [juə ‘ri: tə z], urethra [juə ‘ri: θ rə ], abdomen [‘æ bdə men], abdominal [æ b’d minl], diaphragm [‘daiə fræ m], urination [, juə ‘ri’nei∫ n], nephritis [ni’fraitis], pyelonephritis [, paiə lə ni’fraitis], renal failure [‘ri: nl ‘feiljə ], urethritis [, juə ri: θ ’raitis], abnormalities [, æ bn : ‘mæ lə tiz], hyperplasia [, haipə ‘plei∫ iə ]
Make a report on pyelonephritis according to the plan below:
Definition: an ascending urinary tract infection that has reached the pelvis of the kidney, a form of nephritis.
Causes: bowel organisms that enter the urinary tract: E. coli (70-80%) and Enterococcus faecalis; coliforms and enterococci, etc.
Risk factors: any structural abnormalities to the kidneys and the urinary tract, kidney stones, urinary tract catheterisation, urinary tract stents or drainage procedures (e. g. nephrostomy), pregnancy, neurogenic bladder (e. g. due to spinal cord damage or multiple sclerosis) and prostate disease (e. g. benign prostatic hyperplasia) in men; diabetes mellitus, immunocompromised states; positive family history (close family members with frequent urinary tract infections), etc.
Epidemiology: Pyelonephritis is very common, with 12-13 cases annually per 10, 000 population in women and 3-4 cases per 10, 000 in men. Young women are most likely to be affected, traditionally reflecting sexual activity in that age group. Infants and the elderly are also at increased risk, reflecting anatomical abnormalities and hormonal status.
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Symptoms, signs, clinical manifestations, clinical features: dysuria (painful voiding of urine), abdominal pain (radiating to the back on the affected side) and tenderness of the bladder area and the side of the involved kidney (costovertebral angle tenderness), fever, rigors (violent shivering while the temperature rises), headache, and vomiting, delirium in severe cases; sepsis, a systemic response to infection characterized by fever, a raised heart rate, rapid breathing and decreased blood pressure (occasionally leading to septic shock).
Diagnosis: culture of the urine; blood cultures; X-rays of the kidneys, ureters and bladder (KUB); ultrasound of the kidneys, voiding cystourethrography, etc.
Treatment: antibiotics as therapy, and treatment of any underlying causes to prevent recurrence; nutritional approaches: increasing fluid intake, consuming cranberry juice, blueberry juice, and fermented milk products containing probiotic bacteria, etc.
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