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Q: Я считаю, что люди легко выходят из себя по любому поводу, и относительно незначительные ситуации могут вызвать самую бурную реакцию. Почему так?
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Q: Я считаю, что люди легко выходят из себя по любому поводу, и относительно незначительные ситуации могут вызвать самую бурную реакцию. Почему так?
A: People have a tendency to avoid dealing with hurtful situations when they occur. Instead, they try to bury the pain. But it just builds up inside them and eventually turns into anger. Anger is a secondary emotion, which means it begins as something else — usually fear, frustration, hurt feelings or major disappointment. We can try to bury our anger, but it’s always buried alive. And it’s just a matter of time before it comes out.
When I explain this to people, they start looking back over their lives and a lot of issues come into sharper focus. They say, “Wow, I was hurt by something my parents did years ago. I didn’t realize it, but I’m still really angry at them. ”
Q: Что побудило вас заняться вплотную проблемой гнева?
A: It was two different things. First, I’ve seen too much damage done in the lives of the couples I’ve counseled over the years. And the other reason is that I have suffered the devastation of anger in my own life.
When I was in my 30s, I was working on the staff of a para-church ministry — a job I really loved. I started noticing some things in the ministry that I thought needed to be addressed, so I challenged the leaders on a few matters. But instead of welcoming my input, they rejected me.
Up until then, I had never known what it felt like to be rejected. And since I didn’t understand it, I responded by pressing a little harder, thinking they just weren’t hearing what I was trying to say. But the more I pressed, the more negative they became toward me. I ended up being squeezed out of that organization.
Q: To есть вы испытали чувство отверженности? Можно ли рассматривать это как ситуацию, когда гнев вызывается другой эмоцией?
A: Clearly, my anger was produced by the rejection I was feeling. It hurt me deeply, and I became so angry I actually wanted to have a fistfight with one of my bosses. At the time, I didn’t understand all that was going on, but I was sure experiencing the symptoms.
Q: Признаки? Какие признаки?
A: A big one was that I lost interest in spiritual things. I didn’t want to pray or read the Bible.
Another symptom was that I started rehearsing the pain. I was convinced my bosses were planning to fire me, which made me feel like a victim. It was like I had a videotape that kept playing in my mind. I’d mentally berate them: “You’re going to deny me the work I love. You’re going to prevent me from supporting my family. ” I’d rehearse all of that over and over. I even started having physical symptoms. I tried to stay away from my bosses because I’d literally become nauseated whenever I was around them. I realized I couldn’t stay there, so I quit.
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Q: Насколько все эти события повлияли на ваши супружеские отношения?
A: Well, I left that organization with a tremendous amount of bitterness. And it created a lot of distance between Norma and me. 1 started saying and doing a lot of hurtful things, and I didn’t even know where they were coming from. I would try to excuse my behavior by saying I was upset or stressed out.
Q: И какова была реакция Нормы?
A: She didn’t understand what was happening, and she took a lot of it personally. She tried to get me to talk about what was going on, but I was in the dark. I didn’t make the connection between my anger and the emptiness I was feeling.
Things got so bad that I finally started crying out to God, asking him to release me from the burden I was under. And little by little, from reading books and talking with a lot of different people, I began to get insights into what was going on.
Q: Какой главный урок вы извлекли из этой ситуации?
A: One of the most important lessons was that my anger was tied up with a lot of unforgiveness. Jesus told his disciples: “... if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” (Matt. 6: 15). There are dire consequences for the unforgiving person, and that’s what I was back then.
Q: Что помогло вам решить эту проблему?
A: I had to put everything in context. I’d been sinned against, to be sure. But I realized that my sins against God greatly outnumbered the few offenses that others had committed against me. That’s when I told myself: “Smalley, God has forgiven you of all this junk you’ve done against him. So you have to forgive these other guys, whether you like it or not. ”
Q: Так если вы не хотели прощать тех людей, как же вы заставили себя это сделать?
A: One thing that helps is to understand that people who offend us usually carry around a lot of pain in their own hearts.
When I found out that my former bosses had both been deeply wounded by others, my compassion for them started building.
After that, I committed the matter to prayer. I confessed my sin of not forgiving them, and then I said out loud, “I release you. I forgive you. God forgives you ” I pictured the Lord hugging my former employers, and I just started weeping. [ was a basket case for about five hours.
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